The Price I Pay
by Yaminoko-Jeichan
Summary: One of the Gravitation characters finds out he has HIV, and now has the daunting task of telling his lover. TatsuhaRyuuichi version
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: One of the Gravitation characters finds out he has HIV, and now has the daunting task of telling his lover.**

Immediately he blanched as he read the words on the letter he'd received, a formal typed letter from the hospital lab—after spending the past two week feeling tired and sick all the time, he had some tests done to see what was wrong. Now he wished he hadn't, or that he hadn't requested to be informed through the mail. As he read the words his mind went blank, it wasn't real, it couldn't be real—he couldn't have it.

That was what he kept telling himself, though he knew it was quite possible, quite highly possible that he did—with how many lovers he had had in life, he was surprised he hadn't contacted everything out there. Slowly he slumped down on a chair, letter still in his hand, wondering why he even agreed to get the tests done anyway.

Yes—it was because his partner had started coming down sick like him, catching his colds easily—he worried that he was causing his lover's sicknesses; now, eyes widening on his blanched face, he realized he probably had.

"Shit, no…." He dropped the letter without noticing his mind wrapped in his guilty thoughts—he hadn't been unfaithful during his and his lover's relationship, but he should've been smarter about his sexual encounters before that. He should've been tested before this, he should've used protection each time he had sex—then he wouldn't have gotten that letter.

He wouldn't have this worry eating away at him, worry that he had given his lover the deadly virus—worry of what would happen once his lover knew, did he even have to tell him?

_Yes_, he decided. _Yes, he needs to know—but how can I tell him? How can I tell him he needs to get tested for HIV?_

**A/N: Short first chapter, but I want your opinion first before I continue—I originally had this planned to be a Yuki/Shuuichi fic, but then the idea to make it a Tatsuha/Ryuuichi fic came to me; Now it's up to you fans to decide—which couple should this story be about? Or should I write a version for both couples?**


	2. Tatsuha1

_Okay, since so far it's a tie between the couples, I've decided to make both couples a version of this fic, starting with Tats/Ryuu, and once I'm finished with that couple then I'll do a Yuki/Shuu one. Unless you'd like me to include both couples going through the same thing in the same story--it's quite possible both Yuki and Tatsuha got it, since in the manga they had at least one lover in common before Yuki settled with Shuuichi._

**Tatsuha/Ryuuichi version: The Price I Pay**

Tatsuha gripped the handlebars of his motorcycle nervously, a sickening feeling in his stomach as he looked up at the NG building—Ryuuichi was due back from a out-of-town concert today, the first day he could see his lover since he got that letter. The letter from the hospital lab saying he tested positive for HIV, that hated, detestable letter. He still wished he never received it; the idea of the virus being in him was too surreal, too sickening to accept.

He had even argued with the doctor about it the same day he received the letter— but apparently the doctor was used to such displays because all he did was order another test, to make sure the first one wasn't a false positive. Tatsuha hated it, but he took the second test, praying to the gods that the first test was a false positive—he wouldn't have to say anything to Ryuuichi then. But, goddamn, it took weeks to get the results back, and the doctor told him he should inform his partner before the second test's results were ready.

For two days he'd been wrestling with himself, trying to decide whether to tell Ryuu when the singer returned or to wait until he received the second set of results. He already knew he couldn't give his lover the news over the phone—how can you tell someone something like that over the phone?

Of course the task of telling Ryuu in person wasn't going to be any better—damn, he wished he could get someone else to tell Ryuu, but they'd kept their relationship so secret—only his brother knew.

God—Tohma was going to kill him when he found out, not just because of the HIV but because of the very idea of Tatsuha being in an intimate relationship with Ryuuichi when the NG Shacho forbade him from even speaking to the singer.

"Damn it, calm down." Tatsuha squeezed his eyes shut, trying to freeze the shudder that passed through his body—he'd given up trying to get rid of the sickening feeling in his stomach.

He couldn't bring himself to look at the NG building, knowing the one he loved, the one he'd idolized through his teens, would be there within a few hours—unknowing of Tatsuha's terrible news. He couldn't imagine how the singer would take the news—hell, he didn't know if the singer would even understand how serious it was. There were times when Tatsuha didn't think Ryuu understood anything, then at other, very rare, times Ryuu surprised Tatsuha by understanding something before the monk could even contemplate it.

He'd gotten used to his idol's transient states of genius and stupidity over the course of their relationship, but now Tatsuha wished his lover was easier to predict.

"Maybe I should forget about the letter…just act like everything's the same as before…." Barely had those words escape his lips when he shook his head against the idea—maybe if it was anyone other than Ryuu he would do such a thing, but the singer meant more to him than all of his prior lovers combined.

Hell, he'd even let the singer be seme when the singer wanted—something he never even considered with any of his previous male lovers.

"Damn it, how the fuck can I tell him? Goddamn it!" He clenched his motorcycle's handlebars 'til his knuckles turned white, biting his lip unknowingly. He had a passing urge to ride his motorcycle directly into traffic, in front of a passing car, just end it all. Then he wouldn't have to say anything.

But, he couldn't do that to Ryuu; he couldn't kill himself without telling the singer about his being infected with HIV—he couldn't leave the singer in the dark, knowing that a deadly virus could be lurking secretly in Ryuu's body, zapping his health.

"But I don't think I can bring myself to tell him—how do you tell someone you love you have HIV and they might have it too? God…."

Tatsuha bowed his head eyes narrowed in frustration, body shuddering just noticeably, his thoughts so engrossed that he failed to notice someone walk up to him until he heard them speak.

"What did you just say?"


	3. Tatsuha2

**A/N: I decided to post the Yuki/Shuuichi version of this story on the site already, Titled: The Price I Pay: Yuki and Shuuichi, just wanted to make sure you found out.**

Chapter two, Tatsuha/Ryuuichi: The Price I Pay

"What did you just say?" The voice repeated to a deathly nervous Tatsuha, who jumped at the sound of the familiar voice.

_Oh great, not him._ Tatsuha grimaced, his mind telling him to run but instead he turned toward the voice, the voice of his thoughts calming him. _He doesn't know about Ryuu and me, so I have nothing to worry about. Besides, he probably didn't hear what I said clearly, that's why he's asking me what I said. I'll just lie and…."_

"Tatsuha, did I just hear you say something about having HIV?"

_Oh, shit, he did hear. Fuck._

"Well…I…Seguchi-san, I…." Tatsuha tried to speak but fell silent when the NG Shacho's expression caught his eye. _What the…I've never seen that expression before, I think I'm more afraid now…._

"Tatsuha." The shacho only stared at the apprehensive look on the monk's face, trying to keep his own masked with his customary smile, but what he'd overheard was nothing to smile over. "You have…you…."

"Seguchi-san, it's nothing you need to worry about, I'll just leave and…." Tatsuha turned away, placing a foot on his motorcycle petal, heart pounding. He flinched when Seguchi grabbed his hand and pulled him away from his bike. "Seguchi-san…."

"Don't tell me I don't need to worry. You're my brother-in-law, family, and these types of issues are what family's there for." Seguchi said holding onto Tatsuha's arm until he was sure the teen wouldn't leave. His own mind buzzing with questions and worries, the shacho kept his face masked with a shadow of his customary smile. "Does anyone else know about this? Did you tell anyone yet?"

Tatsuha shook his head, surprised by the kindness in Seguchi's voice—usually the blond's voice held an undertone of coldness when he talked to the teen, not this general concern. The teen turned to face Seguchi then, but tensed when he saw the flash of anger briefly pass the shacho's face.

"You haven't told anyone yet? Why? How long have you known?" Seguchi stared coldly into Tatsuha's eye, caught between the urge to yell at the teen for not saying anything before and the urge to forgive the silence—Tatsuha could've just found out that day, and was trying to bring himself to tell someone.

"About three days."

"Three days! Why didn't you tell anyone when you first found out? I know Eiri's been out of town for book signings, but you could've got hold of your sister or me." There Seguchi paused blinking when he remembered where they were. "Wait, what were you doing parked outside of NG? Were…were you planning on telling _me_ today?"

Tatsuha stifled a nervous chuckle at the shacho's last question, caught in a predicament he'd rather wish he could avoid—he couldn't possibly answer 'no' to the shacho's question, but he didn't want to lie and say 'yes' either. Answering no would at best start the blond scolding him for not planning on telling anyone, and at worst it would make the shacho suspicious of why Tatsuha was there, maybe to the point of guessing _who_ he wanted to see.

But answering yes would make the shacho think Tatsuha finally wanted to get along with him, something the teen _never_ wanted to do—this guy was the reason he had to sneak around to be with his beloved Ryuuichi, this guy was the reason why during the past two years of his relationship with the singer, he and Ryuu could only be intimate a handful of times. Like hell he wanted to get along with the blond.

"I can tell by the look on your face the answer is no."

Tatsuha flinched, avoiding the shacho's eye, grumbling to himself for not saying yes and quickly leaving.

"Why are you here if not to see and tell me, hm?"


	4. Tatsuha3

"Why are you here if not to see and tell me, hm?" Seguchi gave Tatsuha a calculating look, his mind searching through all the possibilities for the answer. His eyes narrowed when one possibility jumped to the forefront of his thoughts. "Tatsuha. You're here to see Ryuuichi, aren't you?"

"Uh…I…." Tatsuha took one look at Seguchi's face and looked away, wanting right then to be anywhere else. "I…."

Seeing the discomfort Tatsuha was in, Seguchi narrowed his eyes more, feeling the anger rise within him. _I knew it. Those rumors…._ The shacho closed his eyes thinking of the rumors he heard, that Ryuu and Tatsuha had been seen in public together quite a few times over the past two years.

At first he dismissed them, knowing that such a feat would be impossible with the measures he took to keep Tatsuha away from the singer. But as the supposed sightings became more frequent, he took more of an interest in the rumors circling about.

"Tatsuha, how long have you been seeing Ryuuichi?"

"I…um…well…." Tatsuha backed away, not wanting to continue the conversation, and definitely not wanting to admit to the shacho about having an intimate relationship with the singer behind his back. Quickly, before the blond could stop him, he got on his motorcycle and drove off, ignoring Seguchi's call for him to stop.

**A/N: end of chapter, very short chapter, basically I should've put this scene in the previous chapter, but I couldn't think of it at the time. And I don't like updating already posted chapters since the site doesn't really give out alerts when you do that, and I want to make sure you readers know ASAP about an update to a story of mine.**

**Also this fic is becoming more difficult to write, I don't know what should happen next. So please give me some ideas in your reviews, even if I don't use them exactly they'll help me get inspired.**

**If there's any other fic of mine you want to see updated soon, tell me and I'll see about doing so. Thank you, and please review.**


	5. Tatsuha4

**The Price I Pay: Tatsuha/Ryuuichi version**

**Chapter Five:**

After a twenty minute drive Tatsuha pulled into his brother's driveway, sighing and taking out the key his brother gave him to housesit while he was out of town. He was about to unlock the door when it opened, startling him to almost jumping back.

"I thought you'd show up."

"A..Aniki? I thought you were at a book signing out of town…why….?"

"Today's signing ended early." Yuki stepped aside to allow his brother in, and closed the door after the younger man entered. "Also…Tohma called me around fifteen minutes ago…it concerned you."

"Uh…I think I'll leave now, there's something I forgot to do…."

"I'd say there's plenty you forgot to do." Yuki glared at Tatsuha. "When were you planning on telling me or Mika about your HIV? You know my cell-phone number; you could've called me anytime during the past three days."

"Well, I…I didn't think about that…I…."

"You didn't think about telling someone? You didn't think about telling anyone? Not even family? Tatsuha…."

"I…It's just…I've been worried about how I would tell Ryuu….I was planning on doing so today, but Seguchi showed up and…."

"...ah…." Yuki breathed. "I completely forgot about you being with that singer…shit…."

"What am I gonna do, aniki? I need to tell Ryuu, but then Tohma will find out…and how do you tell someone something like that?"

"Simple…if you don't tell that singer, I will tell Tohma—by tomorrow." Yuki paused and placed his hand on his forehead, massaging away a headache. "And don't worry about telling Mika…Tohma already has…."

"So by the end of the day everyone in the family will know….shit…they're gonna give me a lecture just like Seguchi…."

"Maybe not—Tohma didn't tell Mika how long you've known…so the rest of the family won't know you waited three days to say anything." Yuki walked into the dining room and sat down at a chair with a cup of coffee on the table in front of it. "Come sit down. I made fresh coffee while I was waiting for you to show up."

"…How did you know I would come here?" Tatsuha asked as he stepped into the dining room.

"Tats, you always come to my place when you want no one to look for you…especially when I'm supposed to be out of town." Yuki watched as Tatsuha skipped the coffee, opened the fridge and took out a can of beer. "You drove here, you shouldn't drink. Especially since you still have to tell Sakuma about your HIV."

"I just want to get plastered." Tatsuha paused, looking into the fridge to hide his slight tremble. "God…I just turned nineteen three months ago…I shouldn't have to…."

Suddenly he felt Yuki's hand on his shoulder—he shifted his gaze to stare into his older brother's eyes, surprised to see the worry in the light brown orbs.

"I know you shouldn't have to deal with this, Tats."

"God…I'm so stupid! I should've thought of this before—" Tatsuha cursed, trembling and feeling like hitting something to relieve his stress. "I should've been more careful…I…now Ryuu could…." _'I'm nineteen fuckin years old, I shouldn't have to deal with having HIV…I shouldn't…And Ryuu might have it too now…god…I don't know what's worse….'_

"Tatsuha, come sit down and relax."

**A/N: End Chapter, short yes, but at least I finally updated this story. YAY! I updated! YAY! I have Wednesday and Friday off this week—so I can update more! I hate work, especially work that deals with food…I can't wait until I find some job where I can write all day—I'd be able to do that all day every day…trouble is, I'm too lazy to look for work…aw well, at least I can write fanfics forever….**


	6. Tatsuha5

**The Price I Pay**

**Chapter Six**

"Ryuu," Tohma stared into the singer's face as the brown-haired man rummaged through a bag. "Are you and Tatsuha together?"

"Why do you need to know that, Tohma?" Ryuu mumbled nonchalantly as he searched through the bag and grabbed out a medicine vial.

"You know why, Ryuu…."

"It's none of your business, Tohma. I can be with whoever I wish to be with…." He took out two more vials, taking one pill from each and swallowing them.

"Yes, but, you must tell them about your problem…." Tohma gazed on Ryuu taking the medicine and bit his lip, falling silent when Ryuu glared at him.

"You were the one who said I shouldn't tell anybody—that no one needed to know."

"I know I said that but that's when I thought you were refraining from having sex." Tohma met Ryuu's eye. "He has it now, Tatsuha has it."

"…what?" Ryuu quickly looked away, paling at Tohma's words.

"Tatsuha has HIV and all because you didn't tell him you have AIDS."

"….when did you learn this?" Ryuu refused to meet Tohma's eye again, placing his pill bottles away. "….from whom?"

"Tatsuha told me earlier today, I think he may have been wanting to tell you about it—he might think he gave it to you and not the other way around."

"…." Ryuu picked up his bag in silence, his thoughts and face hidden from Tohma.

"Ryuu, how could you not tell him? How could you not use protection knowing what it risked? How could…." Tohma pulled on Ryuu's shoulder to bring them face to face, falling silent at the tears silently streaming down the singer's cheeks.

"I screwed up—I know that. Don't pester me about it, please." Ryuu held back his sobs, nose running with the tears.

"Ryuu…."

"Don't pester me, please. I know it was stupid of me….I just wanted to be with him…I just wanted…." A sob escaped through Ryuu's lips and he dropped the bag, its contents falling out onto the floor. Quickly he bent down to pick them up, trembling as more sobs escaped his throat and tears blurred his vision.

"It's okay, Ryuu…." Tohma, placated, knelt down to help Ryuu pick up his things, doing a much better job than the trembling singer. "I'm not angry with you, not anymore…."

"But it's my fault Tats has HIV….it's my fault. I should've told him, I should've….but I thought he wouldn't want to be with me knowing….I didn't want to be alone…." Ryuu sobbed, forsaking his bag and holding onto his knees as tears rushed down his cheeks.

Tohma silently put aside the bag and its contents, and placed his arms around the crying singer, pulling him into a deep embrace.


	7. Tatsuha6

**The Price I Pay**

**Chapter seven**

"Tatsuha…." Yuki placed his hand on his brother's shoulder as the younger man cried, kneeling by the open fridge door.

"I shouldn't have to deal with this…I shouldn't…."

"I know you shouldn't but…."

The phone ringing cut Yuki off, though he ignored it, letting the answering machine get it while he tried comforting his brother.

"There's nothing you can do about it now, except tell Sakuma-san, and start treatment for it." Yuki said in a soft tone, unable to find more comforting words to say. "Mika and I, and the rest of the family will be there for you."

Tatsuha looked up at his brother, cheeks wet and eyes red.

"Can't you be a little bit nicer—?"

"I'm doing the best I can, if you want a pity party go to Mika."

"She'll just give me a lecture." Tatsuha paused in thought. "Yep, about the whole family will give me lectures—and then maybe a pity party."

Before Yuki could answer his cell phone rang. Annoyed, he took it out and glanced at the name quickly before turning back to Tatsuha.

"It's Tohma. Probably wanting to know if you're here."

"Just ignore him; I don't want to deal with him right now."

"Tatsuha, you can't ignore the rest of the family forever…"

"I don't want to ignore the family, just Seguchi. At least until I tell Ryuuichi about my HIV."

While they were talking the phone stopped ringing, and Yuki put it away, knowing full well that Seguchi would either call again or just show up at his house.

Sure enough, ten seconds later his cell phone rang again, except this time when he looked at the caller his eyes widened. Tatsuha saw the change in Yuki's expression and looked at the phone questioningly.

"Who is it?"

"It's Saku—" Before Yuki could get the full name out Tatsuha grabbed the phone from his brother and answered the call.

"Hello, Ryuu." Tatsuha chirped, his present sadness forgotten.

"Hello Tatsuha." Seguchi's voice surprised the nineteen year old.

"Hey! Seguchi, why are you using Ryuu's cell phone?"

"Because I knew it would get answered if you were there."

"Why you…where's my Ryuu?"

"He's here, it's good you answered because there's something Ryuu and you need to talk about….Ryuu told me about you and him."

"Oh. Well, I was already planning on telling him about my HIV, so don't worry."

"Tatsuha…It's more complicated than that, you see Ryuu…."

"What about Ryuu?"

"Ryuu should tell you himself." Seguchi mumbled; Tatsuha heard him hand the phone to someone else.

"Hi Tats! It's been a while."

"RYUU! God, I'm so glad I get to talk to you again—it's been too long being apart."

"Yeah, it has, but Tats…."

"God, we have to see each other again, how 'bout we get something to eat around one today?" A huge grin shone on Tatsuha's face, faltering a moment when he saw his brother's cold look. "Look, Ryuu, there's something I need to tell you…."

"I know about your HIV, Tats. Tohma told me."

"Oh." Tatsuha quickly felt a weight drop down on him hearing the depressing tone of his lover. "I wanted to tell you myself…."

"Tats, there's something I need to tell you."

"Do you have it too? Great, now I infected you…." Tatsuha voice grew bitter with shame.

"No, you didn't." The sadness in Ryuu's voice caused Tatsuha to stop and listen, heart pounding with what Ryuu had to say. "You didn't give it to me."

"Then that means you don't…."

"No, I have it. I've been infected with AIDS since before we met—" Ryuu voice broke into sobs. "Tatsuha, I'm the one who gave it to you."

**A/N: End chapter**


	8. Tatsuha7

**The Price I Pay**

**Chapter eight:**

"I'm the one who gave it to you."

Tatsuha dropped the phone when he heard those words, his hands shaking as tears filled his eyes. No, it couldn't be—it couldn't be true, Ryuu couldn't have been the one to give him the virus. He just couldn't.

"Tatsuha…?" Yuki stepped toward his brother, eyebrows furrowed, and expression curious.

"Leave me alone, aniki." Tatsuha said, backing away from the phone and his brother, thoughts screaming. '_Ryuu gave it to me? No. NO.'_ Tears fell from his eyes—angry tears, frustrated tears, tears he couldn't keep at bay.

"Tats…."

Suddenly Tatsuha turned around and ran out of the room, through the front door and to his motorcycle. Oblivious to Yuki's shouts, he turned on the ignition and floored the motorcycle away, out of his brother's driveway and onto the road.

-

"Tatsuha?" Ryuu spoke into the cell. "Are you still there, Tats?"

"Ryuu, what's wrong?" Seguchi heard the worry in the singer's voice, and that caused him concern.

"Tatsuha won't answer." Ryuu bit his lip, still holding onto the cell phone even as no sound came from the other end. Five minutes passed before a voice came through from the other end.

"What did you tell Tatsuha?" Yuki's angry voice broke through the silence on the phone, shocking Ryuu into almost dropping his cell.

"Yuki-san, what happened to Tats?"

"He rushed out of here, upset—what did you tell him?" Yuki asked again, voice vicious in its anger.

"God…I only told him the truth—that I'm the one who gave him the virus." Ryuu whimpered into the phone, tears shining in his eyes as he trembled.

"You said what?! You're the one who….goddamn it all. You had it all this time and you didn't tell him? Goddamn you."

"Yuki-san…."

"No, don't you go near my brother again, understand? He has too much to deal with now and it's all thanks to you. So don't you ever go near him again" With that Yuki hung up, leaving Ryuu to listen to the dial tone, tears of shock falling down his cheeks.

-

Tatsuha didn't care where he headed he just zoomed down the road, oblivious to the traffic around him.

Of all the things Ryuu could've said, that was one he hadn't expected—the singer never once mentioned it before, had never during the past few years even hinted that he might have it.

"Stupid, he could've told me before—he should've told me before. I would've been more careful being his lover. God, why didn't he tell me before?" Tatsuha zoomed between traffic only barely aware of the cars beside him and in front of him. "Did…did he think I wouldn't have been with him if I'd known?"

'_God, how stupid could he be? He's my idol, I wouldn't have cared. It would've been nice to know though.'_

Deeply breathing, he calmed his racing heart, realizing why the singer hadn't told him—and sympathizing with Ryuu. He also knew how hard it must've been for the singer to tell him finally, after so many years of silence. How difficult to get up the courage and confess, rather than letting Tatsuha believe a lie.

Without another thought, Tatsuha picked his phone out of his pocket and dialed a number—still oblivious when he ran the red light, heading right into passing traffic.

**A/N: End chapter, please review**


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